Im Sorry to Anyone I Ever Did That Sad Bullshit Too It Wont Happen Again Im Better Than That
When someone hurts us, physically or emotionally, we crave an amends. An amends rarely if always fixes the problem, of form, only it does help. After all, an amends shows a willingness to change for the ameliorate.
Or does information technology?
The trouble with apologies is that abusers know how much their victims desire to hear them. To keep their victims nearby, then, they'll make apologies left and right without taking any existent actions to amend themselves or make amends.
These are non real apologies—they are manipulation tactics. Any counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist in the earth will attest that an apology without change is manipulation.
How can you tell the deviation, though? What differentiates real apologies made by someone struggling to alter from manipulative apologies made past an abuser?
If you lot need help determining whether you lot've been given a real apology or if you lot're merely being manipulated, hither are some scarlet flags to watch for.
Why an Apology Without Change Is Manipulation
"An apology without alter is merely manipulation."
It's a pithy argument perfect for window decals and bumper stickers, simply that doesn't make information technology any less true. Information technology also doesn't make the phrase less scientifically correct.
For at to the lowest degree the past ii decades, psychological professionals have understood that a sincere apology contains 4 singled-out actions:
- Admission of a harmful action or beliefs
- Argument of remorse regarding the action or behavior
- Realized promise to avoid (or endeavour to avoid) that activity or behavior in the hereafter
- Offer to make amends
It'southward important to note the language in that tertiary signal. Information technology cannot exist a blanket or empty promise—it must exist a realized promise.
Types of Insincere and/or Manipulative Apologies
Not all insincere apologies are purposely manipulative. Often, they aren't even purposely insincere.
That doesn't brand them acceptable, though, nor does information technology make a connected design of giving such apologies less toxic. It can, however, brand information technology more difficult to make up one's mind when an amends is real and when it'southward a manipulation. Feeling true remorse isn't a fail-safe identifier of a sincere apology.
For this reason, information technology's important to learn to differentiate the different rationales behind insincere and/or manipulative apologies.
Guilty Conscience
What the apology really means: "I feel bad, and apologizing will make me experience better. It isn't about making you feel amend—this is about me."
Whether we hateful to or not, near all of us are guilty of apologizing to appease ourselves rather than the people we hurt.
This doesn't hateful that you lot're a bad person or a secret narcissist. It'due south a common self-defense method to protect our own emotions and vulnerability. Past verbally admitting our guilt, we release some of that brunt and ease our own consciences.
Nosotros are also enlightened that, on some level, simply offering an apology is frequently enough to meliorate how people perceive u.s.. In this 2006 commodity from the Journal of College and Character, writer Hershey H. Friedman notes that "an apology causes the aggrieved political party to have more empathy for the offending party." In other words, the human activity of apologizing itself tin can be enough to brand the person nosotros've hurt experience bad for united states of america instead.
The Departure between Guilt and Shame
Friedman'south article goes on to explain that we want this acquittance to assuage our own negative feelings. When nosotros do something that we know has caused another being pain, most people experience one of two emotions: guilt or shame.
Guilt stems from the knowledge that we have displayed "bad" behavior. We have committed some negative action, and one of the consequences of that activity is a deep discomfort and desire to make amends.
Shame is a deeper emotion that stems from poor cocky-esteem. Instead of labeling just the action or beliefs as negative, people who feel shame internalize their discomfort and label their unabridged identity as negative. In other words, they think, "I'm a bad person," non, "I did a bad thing."
Feeling either of these emotions is like poison to a chronic manipulator. Whether their discomfort stems from guilt over an action or shame over their own identities, manipulators discover the awareness even more unwelcome than the average human. That'south because shame and guilt serve as reminders that nosotros have made a mistake by doing something wrong.
Manipulators cannot handle that realization, and they will practise everything in their power to remove themselves from it. This means that they will gaslight their victims into thinking that the offense never happened and apologize without whatever truthful remorse.
Argument Ender
What the apology really ways: "I'g tired of arguing, and then I'm going to tell you any you want to hear."
This type of apology is given by manipulators and victims alike. At certain points, a state of affairs or relationship can become and then uncomfortable that the participants will do or say anything to put an end to it.
That's where this apology comes into play. It doesn't stem from shame, guilt, or any real sense of remorse. It stems from a desire to put an terminate to a confrontation, passive-aggressive behavior, and/or uncomfortable silence.
The most unfortunate trait of this type of apology is that it ofttimes comes across as more than sincere than other types of manipulative apologies. What may appear to exist a heartfelt desire to put an end to a fight may actually exist exhaustion and/or aloofness.
While it is not recommended to "test" anyone with whom you lot're in a human relationship (romantic, platonic, familial, or otherwise), a good way to weed out this blazon of apology is to say that you lot aren't done talking. If the other person walks away or tunes you lot out, chances are that they merely apologized to end the argument. If they concord to listen, peculiarly if they're clearly tired or annoyed, the apology was more likely to be sincere.
Leading the Witness
What the apology really means: "Past apologizing to you outset, I expect you to apologize to me next. Afterward all, information technology's non really my fault—you're to arraign, too."
In court, the term "leading the witness" refers to a manipulation tactic wherein an chaser directs the witness on the stand up to make a specific statement. It's basically a fancy way of saying "putting words in someone's mouth."
For example, during a murder trial, an chaser may show the witness a motion picture of the murder weapon while request, "The Defendant owns a weapon simply similar this, don't they?" If the witness says "yes", and so they have fabricated a vital correlation between the Accused and the criminal offence. If the witness says "no", even if they phone call attention to the nature of the question, then they are assumed to be lying.
That's exactly how this type of manipulative apology works.
Like the Argument Ender rationale, apologies in this category don't stalk from genuine remorse. Rather, they come from the belief that making an apology will force the other person to apologize, too. Subsequently all, won't they seem like a jerk if you repent and they don't?
This is, of grade, a fallacy. While the phrase "it takes two to tango" (i.e., no one person is responsible for a negative state of affairs) is correct for many conflicts, it isn't correct for all of them. A victim of abuse, physical or verbal, is not in whatever fashion responsible for the actions of their abuser.
Testing Boundaries
What the apology really means: "If you lot accept this apology, so information technology ways I tin can do the thing that hurt or bothered you again without consequence."
When children begin to feel autonomy, i of the get-go things they do is test their boundaries. "Mom doesn't mind that I drew on this paper, and so let's run across if I can draw on the wall." "Dad put me in fourth dimension out when I pulled the dog's tail, will he put me in time out if I exercise it again?"
These are the types of activities that toddlers appoint in. They aren't evil, or egotistic, or sociopathic. They're but learning which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.
At best, that's the mentality behind this kind of apology, also. No matter how old or otherwise mature the person offer this type of apology is, it stems from a very kittenish perspective.
Instead of viewing an accepted amends as a vehicle for forgiveness and personal growth, they see it as card blanche blessing to commit the harmful action again. If they were really mad, they wouldn't have forgiven me, so that ways it'due south okay to do this thing again.
In this scenario, the person who offers the apology as a means of testing boundaries probably isn't doing information technology intentionally. Unfortunately, that isn't ever the case. Purposely manipulative people will employ the same technique to encounter just how far they can push someone.
Ultimate Control
What the apology really means: "I know that my amends volition brand you lot feel lamentable enough for me or positive plenty about our relationship to stay."
This is what about people envision when they remember about manipulative apologies. These are the sorries and promises that intentional abusers and manipulators make to ensure that their victims stay put.
In some cases, there is an additional intention behind this sort of amends. Namely, the person giving the amends is hoping to gaslight their victim.
The term "gaslight" gets thrown around quite oft nowadays, so it is important to define what it actually means. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which the abuser attempts to convince their victim that their perception of reality is skewed. Examples of gaslighting can range from the innocent and noncommital, "Information technology wasn't that bad!" to the explicit, "You're just lying, and y'all know it!"
When abusers apologize with the goal of gaining ultimate control of their victim, gaslighting is often the method they use. By apologizing, they identify doubt in their victims' minds. "They apologized to me, so they tin can't be as terrible as I remember them existence."
The moment that doubt takes root, abusers know that their victims are susceptible to farther abuse. They will immediately counteract whatsoever violence or negativity with a smile or a compliment or a gift. Such actions keep their victims guessing about who the abuser actually is and whether or non they're calumniating in the outset place.
Apologies humanize people, and abusers know that. They bank on it. If you notice that someone makes a addiction of apologizing to calm you down or deflect your anger, take information technology as a alert sign that they're using that apology to gain ultimate control over you.
The Last Resort
What the apology really ways: "I don't feel bad about what I did or said. I experience bad well-nigh the possibility that you might leave and/or never forgive me."
Finally, manipulators may rely on an apology as a concluding resort for keeping their victim from leaving.
This last resort apology comes in two principal forms. The first is related to an apology with the goal of ultimate control. The manipulator knows that their victim will leave and/or have a negative opinion of them unless they repent, so they practise just that.
The second grade is unintentional merely no less manipulative for it. In this scenario, the manipulator problems a drastic apology borne from fear. This manipulator isn't actively trying to gain control of their victim, they're but doing whatever it takes to brand them stay.
The first type of last resort apology tends to come from master manipulators, narcissists, and sociopaths. It is completely intentional, and the person making such an amends knows exactly what they're doing and why. The 2nd type of last resort apology stems from poor self-esteem, codependency, and a lack of proper boundaries.
Makin Wellness
At the end of the day, an apology is just an amends. "I'm pitiful," is merely a string of words. No matter how close you lot are with someone or good you recall that person is, an apology without change is manipulation.
That doesn't take to hateful that you should remove that person from your life, though, nor does it hateful that your human relationship is unsalvageable. As we've demonstrated here, plenty of people unintentionally offer insincere apologies because of their own doubts and bug.
That's why Makin Wellness of Pittsburgh here to help. Whether you're dealing with addiction, grief, emotional instability, or relationship breakdowns, Makin Wellness has an expert therapist on staff to help y'all overcome. To speak to a care provider or schedule your beginning appointment, contact us through our self-service form.
Source: https://www.makinwellness.com/an-apology-without-change-is-manipulation/
This Mail Has 19 Comments
Shelley 24 Sep 2021 Reply
Thank yous for this article.. I am currently stuck in this circle of empty apologizing.. He even says he knows what is needed merely never acts … So says pitiful …
I'm stuck
Hello Shelley, Cheers for your comment. It sounds like the relationship could benefit from some new communication skills and techniques for change. It's can be frustrating when change does non occur afterward the apology is given. Our function would exist happy to help with that. Experience free to accomplish out to us at intake@makinwellness.com or 1-833-274-HEAL.
April Davis 11 Oct 2021 Reply
What virtually someone demanding y'all to take their apology and if yous don't they punish you.
Give thanks you for your reaching out, April. This sounds like a rather serious grade of command. Information technology can be hard to gain back a salubrious level on your own. We have experienced professionals who work with individuals simply like y'all. You are not lonely. Give us a phone call at 833-274-4325 and we can help.
Kc 30 Oct 2021 Reply
How exercise I explain to my husband why saying "I'm sorry I don't live upward to your expectations" or "I'chiliad sorry I'1000 such an @hole" isn't an bodily amends? Considering he seems to remember it is and he gets upset when I basically ignore the so chosen apology or suggestion that, that's not actually an apology or if things have already tested my patience, I tell him to grow up. (I know that one doesn't help)
This tends to happen when I ask him to do something differently like throw the empty poptart box in the trash, non on the kitchen table (option upwardly later on himself) or not to have his frustration out on me when he has a bad day. Something dumb like that. I know… I accept really high expectations (eyeroll)
Or telling me he's not yelling when I tell him not yell at me, particularly when he'southward upset almost something that has nix to practice with me.
Hi, thanks for your response. Sometimes significant others create an apology that contains things that they think the other person wants to hear. While this may seem condescending to you lot, he may feel information technology is appropriate. While these responses can trigger anger, it is helpful to try to exhale and answer to their apology with questions about why they feel that style. We can help you come up upwards with improve forms of advice and find the answers yous are looking for. Give us a call at 833-274-HEAL or join usa at our side by side Facebook Live Q&A. We promise to hear from y'all and wish you the best.
fifi two Nov 2021 Reply
What if youre truly atoning
but you lot say somethings which requite off a bad aura? merely yous dont mean it, at all
i fright thats the reason my life is similar this
Nay three December 2021 Reply
Hi, Shelley.
I have been going through the aforementioned affair….for 12 years. It began over different things. But over the past two years, it has been over the aforementioned thing…and has gone from once every 6 months to every two-3 days. It has destroyed me. I'1000 pretty sure he's a narcissist…and I KNOW he gaslights me. I went from a confident, joyful, approachable person who loved life and had lots of friends….to a recluse who has no self esteem, and who is being injure past someone who never deserved me to get-go with….and by that, I mean….he has NEVER contributed a dime to the relationship despite promises to pitch in;hasbinvaded my privacy, been trigger-happy, horri ly verbally calumniating, and does unspeakably fell things….then disappears, and resurfaces with apologies….and unremarkably a request for money and so repeats the behavior. He has cost me jobs, family….my joy. These days, I literally have pain in my breast daily from the hurt. It's been like that for the past 5 years now….and each time he goes silent, I decide I must not let him dorsum to hurt me more. But I'm so devastated and isolated at present that when he does appear with a vague, insincere apology that I KNOW isn't existent, I'm so desperste to not feel the heartache, that I end up choosing to 'pretend' it's sincere….but for those few moments of relief. It reminds me of my childhood: choosing to believe my alcoholic dad daily, when he'd promise each morning for years on finish, that he wouldn't come dwelling drunk and tearing once more….knowing deep inside he would. Believing allow me go through the day. He was drunk every unmarried night.
Anyway….point beingness, I'one thousand in another "silent handling"….what he did this time is the worst yet (in terms of blatant cruelty-)….and despite feeling gutted, I REALLY want to keep him out when he inevitably shows upwardly again. I simply hope the lure of the momentary relief from the sadness doesn't win this time. Logically, I'm aware of exactly what's upwards. I'chiliad no fool. But I recognize I'k stuck, totally stripped of everything by this human being, and am running on fumes for self motivation and perseverance.
Worst of all, when I met him 12 yrs ago, his stepmom was just similar me now: housebound, empty, depressed….his dad was a full monster to both of them (merely of class, my partner seemed different-)…she warned me to get out….that the men in this family were all monsters, and Ibwould finish up like her – basically waiting to die in guild to exist rid of the pain. I felt sorry for her, only thought it would never happen to me. The son (my partner) was so charming! 12 yrs later, I'm a shell of my sometime self. Unrecognizable to myself. Lone. Pain. Desperately pitiful and alone, and feeling worthless. (And clearly, sleepless, as I'm writing this at 3AM!)
Summa 3 January 2022 Answer
I promise you managed to stay strong. Praying for you.
Whitney 18 Jan 2022 Reply
I have totally been there, since my first beau at 15 and the iv or v or maybe information technology'south 6 or 7 now relatiomships I've had during the following twenty years. I know exactly how you experience… Like you gotta quit fooling yourself, cuz you Know the likelihood that you'll autumn for it adjacent fourth dimension, and you're embarrassed to keep lying to yourself or anyone else when you say y'all're done.
What I finally did westward virtually of these relationships to become really washed w them was getting with someone else when they were away doing their silent treatment bullshit. You know the saying to get over somebody got to get nether someone else…. However usually the people that would be the kinds that I would be attracted to are going to be the aforementioned ones I was trying to get away from So usually I just started a whole new relationship with another narcissist by doing this. I'yard at the signal correct now though where I know that I can do that and it's easier to not exist so attached for so long where I don't get and so worn out and worn down by them anymore. Actually what makes this possible is by dating people who are totally emotionally unavailable, The guys who are obvious cheaters or multiple women kind of guys, or already in relation ships (that "are ending") or ones at their midlife crunch who know how to be mature and over their horny younger days but are actually just reverting to the aforementioned behaviors, just w less attwntion (and therefore less competition) from other women
It isn't what I want, of form. I need to break away and not keep myself distracted all the time west always having some shitty relationship that I need to go over but I just fall for the skillful everytime.
Jennifer xiii Dec 2021 Reply
I think I might have borderline personality disorder. I did some pretty terrible things to my 76 yr old Aunt in the hopes she wouldn't leave me. She did- she blocked my electronic mail and telephone. I apologized as sincerely every bit I could many times. I really feel atrocious virtually lying to her and manipulating her emotions. I love her and fearfulness she might be go e from my life forever. I keep reaching out to her by opening new email accounts but she doesn't reply to my messages. Is in that location anything else I can do? I am having a hard time trying to respect her wishes non to talk to me. I really wish I could plough dorsum time. It is atrocious to lose someone you lot truly intendance about and to have to acknowledge my behaviors are what caused her to permanently cutting me off. Should I keep apologizing? What if she never talks to me once more? I'yard heartbroken.
Hi Jennifer. Processing the past and dealing with our life choices can be a difficult thing to deal with. We would love to talk to you more near what you lot're walking through, you're ever welcome to schedule an introductory phone call with i of our team members. Nosotros're here to help.
Simone three January 2022 Reply
I experience stuck in this relationship staying with someone who doesn't change at all or make anything better only talks well-nigh it. I am 5 weeks significant and i have a 1 yr old daughter . I've been trying difficult to stay and make this work merely i am tired of the constant hurt. I never get dealt the same mitt i give him. I desire to leave in fact i'm always letting him know i want to exit to see if he will change but see i'yard here writing this so no no changes at all but empty statements and promises.
Hi Simone. Nosotros are lamentable that you are struggling with these things in your relationship. Feel free to schedule an engagement with ane our team members if you feel similar you need help.
HB v Mar 2022 Reply
I had to cut this toxic manipulative person out of my life. Around 35 years and misconduct repeated and evaded consequences this style, never learning to modify. She blameshifts, will not see herself equally the creator of conflicts.
Then my wife was in an abusive relationship. I understand that. No thing how many things I attempt to alter information technology seems never good enough. She points out things to me that don't make sense but I'll just do it. Example being all your shoes are downward hither in a complaint format. I have and so to our room on my side of the cupboard. I'm an alcoholic since I was 15 or and then. I'm 37 at present but quit drinking for 3 or 4 years at present. We moved fast and I have i child who mom abused heroin while meaning with another guys baby and gained total custody for two years now. We always co parented great. Then my ane and her 2. She always shows favoritism towards the boy. When I enquire for something only common sense shows I shouldn't need to ask, she creates this drama and starts saying I said information technology this or that way. She tells me what I felt and what I meant by information technology. No matter how I change the way I approach the situation its e'er the aforementioned. I get to a signal where I don't talk to her for days. She and so apologizes and says nosotros demand to learn how to communicate. Everytime and everything I ask nearly e'er comes with a bout and she turns it into correct or wrong. Then insults me as in my person but says I said something hateful when it was changed to what I meant when I said it. I explicate even for the future that if I'thou asking well-nigh something and then that's all I'g asking. Every time she gets defensive, plays victim or has excuses and starts telling me what I said. I explained to her that I'one thousand trying to talk with her using u.s., we, our, and she finds a way to flip it and then I told her that when we talk she doesn't talk to me she talks at me. Instead of I feel like when you said this it was that. Information technology goes more like I got defensive because you said this like that and it hurt me. Like how are y'all going to say what I meant and said for me every bit to why you felt something or she will say when you lot said this information technology made me experience like you are doing this. Like and so I made you feel a way. Nothing about herself. She scoffs all the time which nosotros talked about and she says sorry but information technology never ends. She scoffs and says your mad. I'chiliad always maxim why am I always mad when I'k just talking. She left me barely any food and asked if I needed more. I explained she cooked and doesn't swallow as much as us 4 exercise please do. She rudely says I was gonna have it anyway. Seemed like a joke but usually you say just kidding. Any though I don't intendance. She apologized like 5 times saying are you lot certain your ok? So I say if it isn't I tin just get go myself something to eat. She scoffs and some other we agreed not to do. She scoffs at me in front of the kids. I say what was that? What are you lot scoffing at me. She goes cuz your all mad about it. So I say why are you just saying. Shhhhh not in front of the kids. Like I'm a b discussion.similar she is better than me when information technology's always this start to a fight I never started and then human activity like she is the bigger person and I just need to quiet. She has not been supportive of anything at all and seems more like she actually just pretends to be so sick shut upwards. She once said to my face she wishes I had friends to talk to and so I didn't talk to her nigh stuff. Then tries to discuss makeup. Now I'm really standing up for myself and it's always the same with she is sad then says this we stuff and it's similar and I accepted this when I was drinking. I said for the outset ii years I have that I caused a lot of issues just I've changed and proved it. I said and and so we had issues with parenting for about a year and I've worked so hard non to worry virtually all the trivial things. At present information technology's simply been then victim excuses e'er siding with her son. My daughter and hers are fed upward with him and she blames them and babies him. He randomly goes in in that location room and trash talks and she yells at them and blames them. Her son used to practise dishes and has a bad arm merely did them just fine and excuses him from doing manus washed dishes. She blames the arm. Nevertheless he plays basketball just fine and emptied the dishwasher only fine. Now he does trash and she tells him to leave information technology in the garage and just expects me to take it. She does all these things in the firm and sometimes when stuff isn't washed I'll do it but I said hey you practise too much and that I'm more than willing to assist only my whole 24-hour interval is piece of work so I need yous to say or inquire so I know and you lot can relax. She complains whenever in that location is a chance in annihilation where she did wrong and says she does everything. She uses Word all the time, you never, I e'er have to and you practice nothing. Everytime I'grand telling her how that hurts my feeling because I do assist especially when I'm off and the kids are home off school and it's and then she can be lone and relax. And then she says sad and how she needs me and blah blah just to do information technology again later on. If I say yous shouldn't leave cans here and the trash is closer it's just all this crap I didn't say or hateful she made upward I did and it'south like a huge deal. She says she wants to talk and I'm at this signal I merely walk aways and now I say to her she doesn't want to talk considering I was trying to and you(she) just gets mad and insults me and says what I said and meant. The girls accept been telling me they are sick of her antics. Anyway the 1 time I say maybe I should get paperwork because she won't accept anything and keeps saying me. I'm like I'g sick of existence told I need to change when I run across nix from Her. She however acts the same. Scoffs at me. Insults me and makes up what I meant and said that insulted her I never meant or said . One time I say it she sends me a pdf of paperwork and says she wants me still simply respects my choice. Then says we should do counseling. She will give excuses for her son and reacts similar a b word to my girl and her mom merely stopped seeing or hanging out with her after thirteen years of being the chief intendance provider. Her ex has been back and fourth with multiple kids from multiple mothers and acts like my daughter doesn't know the struggle permit lone her own daughter. I just want to explain and let yous hear what I'm dealing with because I desire somone to encounter what I'm dealing with. She won't even telephone call her family for advice because once while at her fams I explained something and they all explained how she can be. She acts like being a unmarried mom was executed without aid but all her family unit helps all the time. I come from a loving family but with a lot of groundwork bug we all dealt with and grew from but I don't have any family or help. Mom and dad simply we never talk and they don't do that kinda potent and I take a blood brother in another state with his own kids and spousal relationship. I'yard only me. My daughter and I are only us. Nosotros have nothing to turn to and I love her but I experience like I allowed too much power and now am the punching pocketbook for all her exes abuse and she learned some manipulation tactics along the fashion to enable a way to show no remorse or emotion until information technology's a victim card I'one thousand supposed to experience bad well-nigh and I've had a crude life some I chose and some not but it's like the small years of that can never amount to it or the female parent bill of fare which I can't have because I'g a male person. I don't mention anything like that anyway because it'due south my own dealings and you either endure with a crutch or work it into calcium around the break and become improve. I don't need to talk about information technology because it helped me grow and that's it. She seems to always wanna say that similar I'k supposed to pity it merely you lot utilise the same excuse for anything it begins to lose its meaning. Delight help!
Dana B Koogler two April 2022 Reply
Thank you for sharing valuable insights on this sensitive topic. I am coping with a family member who is repeatedly doing bad things to me and others, apologizing, just then making nothing endeavor to demonstrate alter. Total insincerity. You called information technology for what it is. I needed this. It validates my own emotions and helps me frame up my own thoughts on the topic. I finally told her I was done listening to the "I'thou sorries. I am paying attention to the actions … not the words anymore." She was pissed, just I'm not here to exist popular. I think dorsum to what Maya Angelou said about when people prove you who they really are, believe them the first time."
Hullo Dana. Thanks for sharing your story. We sympathise how you feel. These situations with family members are really hard to deal with.
Miley South. 18 April 2022 Respond
Corking article, though strongly disagree with the role about "testing" their willingness to keep talking. Conversations should exist consensual–if a person is burnt out and doesn't feel like talking anymore, (they should say and then, and non prevarication with a fake amends, but) yous're non entitled to keep talking at them (which will but push them to lash out or further shut down.) Nagging is a form of corruption, too. I highly advise confronting information technology, and even traditionally "feminine" argumentative tactics can be just every bit toxic.